Me first

I had an epiphany late last night while doing laundry. It occurred to me that I seem to be happier when I worry and care about myself instead of trying to do that for me and others at the same time. I think the root of the problem (issue) is honesty and trust. I rarely trust people, mainly because 90+% of the people I have trusted in my life have violated that trust; from ex-girlfriends to best friends to immediate family members. When I find myself not trusting someone because of something they did to violate my trust, it takes a long time and a lot of rebuilding for me to feel like I can trust them again (depending on what the violation was). But while doing laundry last night, I began to think about all the times in my life where I had that trust violated and how many times I forgave and moved on. The sad answer was, all of them. Then I thought, "how many times did that person do something else to violate that trust and/or did the relationship fail after the initial violation?" The answer was sickening; just about all of them. Family members continue to rebuild and receive that trust from me in some capacity, but others have lost it just about completely.

I decided last night that I wont trust anyone initially and make everyone earn that trust from the beginning. I'm also not going to be so naive about people. For example, I've had ex-girlfriends tell me, "you're the first person I've been with that I didn't cheat on" in multiple relationships. Well, those girlfriends either cheated on me or I discovered they planned to cheat on me. Yet somehow I was shocked and hurt, and my trust was shattered when I found out. That was me being naive and not learning from my past experiences and/or ignoring the obvious signs well before things happened. I've talked (literally out loud LOL) myself, on many occasions, into believing that the person wouldn't do what I sensed or felt and that I needed to let go of my trust issues and move on. I tend to make myself ignore flaws or tendencies that I've learned to be conscious of because I don't want to think that the "perfect person" for me has to actually be perfect, implying that somehow I am perfect; which I am absolutely not. Yet, I am almost always right! It's sad when you say, "I told you so" to yourself...But honestly, I'm an idiot. "The dumbest smart person" (I, Robot quote) many of you probably know. I freely admit it. I allow myself to remain in situations after my trust has been violated knowing that every bone in my body will completely change (immediately or over time) towards the person because of that violation. Disappointment, betrayal, anger, hurt, and countless other feelings and emotions slowly erode my feelings for the violator; not in terms of loving or caring for that person. But in terms of believing in the heart and spirit within the person; believing that the person can be trusted again. The person that I am and the life I have unfortunately (at times) lived through has made the impact of deceit, betrayal and manipulation immeasurable and my reaction to such things completely random. But my epiphany last night has me thinking that future reactions to such things should be definitive and completely self-preserving; especially in cases where the person who violated my trust knows my past and knows my issues with trusting people and yet still violates my trust anyway. In many ways, that person or persons show a lack of care and love for me; so what justification do I have for continuing to provide that for them? Oh I can come up with lots of reasons. I'm good at talking myself into doing things that are not in my best interest. That, ultimately, is the lesson learned; the summation of the epiphany. My best interests should always be put first; always. Otherwise, I am simply the guy everyone knows they can take advantage of because he is "too nice" to do what's right for himself.

People make mistakes everyday of their lives; I know I do. But to quote Omar Epps in Love & Basketball, "...some things should never [expletive] happen!". It's not going to be a one mistake and you're done thing. But it will be a "you violate my trust, you don't get it back" thing. I don't think asking for honesty and trust, by action, is too much to ask for...

Broken Promises...

What do you do when you're one where two should be?

What do you think when the fitting never happens and the pickups never occur?

Where do you go when there's no place for the reception and no destination to fly to?

Who do you call to cancel when you never had to send out RSVP's and no menu was prepared?

Why do you feel sad for something that was never gonna happen?

How do you feel when your wedding date comes and passes and there's no wedding?

Probably a lot like me...

Posted from my 3G iPhone

Shoppers Block

I don't get it. It's one of the hardest things for me to do; shopping. From clothes to furniture it seems to take me forever to choose something to buy. I'm a simple person (a friend of mine while shopping for bedroom furniture for me the other day called me "contemporary"); a person who prefers clean lines over vibrant arrays of colors, prefers khakis and collared shirt over something more risky. But lately, friends have convinced me to mix it up a little (well I have recruited them to shop for me LOL). I'm picky, and by picky I mean if you like spending hours window shopping and not reaching a buying decision, I'm your man LOL. It's tough for me to decide on clothes, or to buy something that might put me out of my comfort level; and with furniture, forget it. I didn't even choose the current bedroom set I have. I just went along with it because it wasn't a bad choice for the price. So, with the help of my friends and a little bit of my own creativity, my house and my wardrobe will see some improvements soon. It's time to dress like a 30 - eh hem - mature business man, which means the baldy might be making a comeback too :-)

Unfinished Business

I seem to have this problem; I start multiple projects and get to a point where none of them get finished until I intentionally deprive myself of sleep and/or the things that I enjoy doing. Often times I try to cram many activities into a weekend in order to get them all done. Monday night turns into a early bed night and Tuesday turns into recovery. Right now I have a basement finishing project and a website development project (with 4 more in line for when I finish that one) going on now. In the works I have an attic project, my own development projects, a deck project and a landscaping project. Somehow I have to fit all these into my daily schedule with all the games, vacations and playing football I have going on.

One of these days I'll figure out how not to spread myself thin....

Technology: Crack for the lazy?

As someone who makes a good living off the advances in the technological area, I find it funny sometimes how reliant/addicted to technology many are; including myself. In the last week I have spent over $100 on accessories (granted, they are needed) for my iPhone. Today, I considered buying another accessory for my iPhone for my car (a speaker system that can also charge my phone) which would cost me a little over $100. I have a huge battery issue with my iPhone and frequently find myself running out of juice and needing a charge; hence the consideration of the purchase. Now some might ask, "what am I doing that I have money to burn on iPhone accessories?". The answer is saving like I used to years ago - that will be another post topic LOL

I remember the last time I left my phone home accidentally. It's like walking around naked. No phone calls (although I rarely answer calls at work anyway), no text messages (get those all day LOL) and no e-mails (my iPhone actively checks, or pushes to, three e-mail accounts). So it was a weird day. But the ironic thing about that day; I had no missed calls, no text messages and the e-mails I got that day lacked urgency, or at least were not so important that I needed to read them as they were sent. So how is it that I get contacted so much when I have my phone, yet am hardly contacted at all when I forget it?

I digress...

For me, technology pays my bills, books my tee times, feeds me sushi and sends me on vacations. But it also makes my life more convenient. Think about it. You'd like to see your family more, right? I know I want to. But 24 hours just isn't enough time anymore. For those family members who are technically inclined, an e-mail or text maintains that contact, provides a "checkup" for you and tells them, "I can't get to you but I'm thinking about you". But technology also makes us lazy; makes me lazy. I just recently started wearing a pedometer on my hip at work to see how much walking I do on a typical day. I found out I walk 1.2 miles during the course of a day, which isn't much. I try to work out at home when I can. But I'm looking forward to finishing my basement because I have my eye on some fitness equipment to put down there (bench, weights and a treadmill - BTW treadmills are expensive!!).

Karl Marx once said, "The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people." Frank Lloyd Wright noted, "If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger." I am neither trying to become useless nor all thumbs :-)

Are you ready?

I can't begin to explain the level of football hype-ness I have right now. I saw an amazing blowout from great seats in Syracuse this past Saturday, played in a football game for the first time in a very long time and dominated - felt good to know that I still can play at a high level - and tonight my Birds will be playing against the hated and overrated Cowboys on Monday Night Football. Can it get any better than this??!!!

E-A-G-L-E-S-EAGLES!!!!!

Weekend Getaways

I've been looking forward to getting away for some time. I'm taking a mini-weekend trip up to New York (state) to hang out in Syracuse. Hopefully this rain will hold off because I've got some serious tailgating to do tomorrow and some partying to do tomorrow night. This weekend is going to be sick!!!

An old friend gave me a call the other night and offered me a vacation spot to a place to be determined and a time to be negotiated. Better believe I said yes. If it's a island, you know I'm game LOL

And I just realized that I'll be headed to Mazatlan, Mexico the end of November. Talk about winding down a ridiculously tough 2008. It's going to finish with the Roots concert in late December and NYE in a place yet to be revealed. ;-)

After this weekend, its full speed ahead on getting my basement ("The Nest") completed in the next month. I'll post some pics up shortly. Party to follow :-)

I see trees of green, red roses too.....

I love days like today; rolling towering pillowing clouds, carribean-blue-water sky, and the afternoon off from work to spend with great company. Everybody needs a day like today; no stress or drama, nothing to worry about and all day to enjoy things.

I wish everyone a day like today :-)

Posted from my iPhone. Pics to follow (maybe LOL)

Just say it...

I just finished watching "The Bucket List" and, mainly because I cry for all touching movies but partially because of my current mental state, I shed a few tears at the end. I've watched this movie twice and both times it got me thinking about my future (both planning and mortality) as well as my present and past. There are so many things I want to accomplish during my life; a successful business, a successful restaurant, a mid-sized family, a beautiful home (physically and the home inside the home), early retirement and, despite the events of 2008 and my rebellious reaction to the pain in my heart (including my recent harsh words regarding relationships and marriage), an amazing connection with the woman I am fortunate enough to call my wife someday.

So I'm going to make sure that, even though many say I am too blunt and forward, I leave no feeling unrevealed and no personal opinion unshared when it affects me. They say you only get one life to live. My opinion is different than the accepted norm. But in this life, I'd like to try to put myself first for the rest of it so that I can accomplish the things I'm working towards.

"You measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you."

This was a great song on "The Bucket List" soundtrack:

John Mayer
Say what you need to say

Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say (x8)

Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead

If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)

Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.

Say what you need to say (x7)

Say what you need to, Say what you need to...

Say what you need to say.

Independent Politics?

The closer November comes the more and more annoyed I become with the entire political process. I get sick of inaccuracies being publicized as fact and people simply falling in line, like sheep on a farm, believing everything they read, hear and see without fact checking for their own benefit and knowledge. I get annoyed with the media reporting things about the candidates, making huge issues of them, that ultimately mean little to me in determining whether the candidate can and will do the job this country and the world needs them to do. As an independent, my vote doesn't really matter until November, but my opinion (choice) is quickly becoming more and more solidified with each passing day. Right now, my vote would be for Obama/Biden. Their job for the next two months; prove my choice right. The McCain/Palin job for the next two months; tell me how what you intend to do is better than what Obama/Biden intent to do.

I want specifics from the candidates. Enough of the long-winded rhetoric that simply serves to spark applause or provide a headline. Tell me what you are going to do specifically. I had a conversation with a co-worker last week and he brought up Ross Perot, who was fresh with his ideas and provided specifics for what he wanted to do; in many ways he was what people think Obama is today. I want a debate between the presidential candidates where they outline specifics for the economy, healthcare, Iraq, taxes, etc and compare and contrast the two plans. And/Or have each candidate do a one hour presentation of their plan without contrasting it with their opponents plan. Just tell me what you are gonna do. Let the nation watch, have the networks put the specifics side by side and analyse to their hearts content and let the voters decide who has the better plan.

Either way, I am going to vote to elect the person I feel will address the issues that matter to me; as everyone should. I urge anyone who reads this, research credible sources (such as factcheck.org or politifact.com), review the facts and make a determination on your choice for president based on what the ticket will do positively for this country and the world. Don't listen to CNN, Fox and all the other talking heads; decide for yourself. Forget party affiliations and your friends, put biases and ignorance aside and make a decision for you and your fellow man. "I am my brothers keeper" doesn't just sound good in a Wesley Snipes movie. We need to shed our selfishness and start doing what's best for humanity. "Turn the other cheek" only works if one person starts to do it; then others believe they can too. Once one of us thinks that we can help our fellow man, others will too.

The mind is a terrible thing to clog up

Have you ever felt like you needed a mental timeout? Every so often you look up and realize that you haven't taken a mental break in what seems like forever. For me, there are a handful of things that I can do to give my mind a reset and refocus.

Months ago there was this thing called Lazy Sunday's I used to do with someone. It didn't involve any one particular thing and could range from laying in bed all day to taking a drive to vegging on Pizza Hut boneless wings. It allowed me to take a break from the grind of work or the physical exertion of sports and just relax for one day. It also reinforced the connection I had with that person and slowed down the highway that operated inside my head.

Massages are one of those things that allows me to push out all my stress and worry and give my mind a venue for complete ease. There's nothing better than a deep tissue massage with soothing melodies filling the air. I always fall asleep and the total release I feel after I'm done puts me in a place saturated with calm and peace.

Shooting Pool, although not physically rewarding in a relaxing sense, allows me to focus all my attention on geometry and physics (math and physics being my two favorite subjects) and centers my thoughts. I walk into a pool hall, put my ear buds in my ear, set my iPhone on random smooth music (Jazz, Classic R&B, etc) and let the music and my pool abilities put everything in perspective. Pool is my counselor, when those close to you let you down or abandon you. It helps me forgive, heal and accept people for who they are. See, each ball on the table has a purpose; much like each person in your life serves a purpose for you and you for them. Just like in life when that purpose has run its course you have the option of keeping that ball on the table or trying (and sometime failing) to remove that person from your life and moving on to the next purpose. Every so often a single person has multiple purposes in your life, and even though you thought that by sinking that "cut shot" that balls' purpose had run it's course, you realize that the ball was just one of many steps in the course that is that persons purpose for being in your life; maybe the majority of the balls on the table are all linked to the same person as well. This is how pool clears my head. It puts life into perspective. If a single purpose can be associated with a ball, then for each game there are many purposes for potentially many people. But if you think about it, there are times when a pool game ends and there are balls remaining on the table. Perhaps these are purposes that last beyond the scope of just one part of your life. In that case, focusing on what a person means to you will make it easier to determine whether or not that person should be in your life or not; ultimately, whether to put that purpose in the pocket and move on or not.

Golf has become my mental escape and motivator at the same time. I now golf more than any activity I do (yes, including that activity LOL - but that is more due to not taking the opportunity for other activities than not having opportunity at all). Golf has challenged me athletically in ways I haven't been challenged since high school. Sports come easy to me. Like my professional life, I'm good at what I do. Speed, game smarts, sport-specific talent; I possess them all. But golf isn't about how athletic you are. It's about how mentally tough you are. It only takes one hole to turn a great round into a crappy round. You can go into a hole 5-under par, make one mistake and find yourself 4-over par 4 holes later. In poker its called, "being on TILT". In golf, its what causes you to miss 4 foot birdies and slice tee shots in the water. Golf is a game of focus, endurance and skill. I can find myself physically exhausted but mentally energized after a round of golf because of the focus and dedication needed to be successful.

This weekend, I will be employing all of the activities I've mentioned except Lazy Sunday will have slight changes to it. It's important to give your mind a mental recharge; a straight line to walk on a sober night. Daily ups and downs, emotional stresses, relationship difficulties, life decisions and more all cloud your mind and slowly transform you away from who you are and what's most important to you - you. Refocus your mind any and every chance you get.

Go EAGLES!!! :-)

Begin each day as if it were on purpose

What seems like a long time ago I sat in a movie theater and watched "Hitch", a movie staring Will Smith portraying a consultant who's job was to "help men get out of their own way". While I don't claim to have all the answers, there are times I feel like I get in my own way; especially considering recent changes in my life. But my mistakes are lessons I learn (and hopefully improve on) and try to use as I continue to grow and become the man I am destined to be. I try to be the same person to everyone and try to live in a way that honors the lessons and guidance my grandmother instilled in me; but I am not perfect.

Each day I find myself fortunate enough to rise (assuming I haven't pulled one of my insanely infamous all-nighters LOL) I try to be a good man and a good friend. These thoughts are prompted by the losses some of my friends have endured as recently as this week and by the connection I have lost with my best friend this year. My friends have lost a father, a grandfather, an aunt, a cousin and a few close friends this year. It reminds me that although you face difficulties and tough times with those you love, never let that bond be torn apart. Sometimes you need to just let things go, or sit and talk things out, to begin the healing process. But many times, a duration of time apart, or separation, reminds you that some bonds never lose their strength; and it makes communication easier.

That's what is important to me; those who I call my friends. I would lay down on train tracks for my friends. I cherish those I let in and I want to be there for them the best way I know how. The bond of friendship, and more importantly the connection with best friends, means more to me than any thing else. Life is too short to not figure out what's wrong and if it's worth the effort to save that bond and/or that connection. Even if in the end, the answer is no, never walk away without putting it all on the table. Leave nothing unsaid and no feeling unrevealed. Sometimes, what's kept inside is more important than what's said.

With great power comes great disappointment

There are going to be days like this one in your life. For me, this is the third time in my life I've woken up to a day like today. The first two times were magnitudes easier to deal with compared to this morning. You see love is a powerful, powerful thing. It will make you try things you never thought you'd try. It will make you change who you are for who you are with. It will make you pour out your soul and then have you mop it up yourself. Love, when mutual and pure is simply the most beautiful thing on this planet. However, Love can blindside you and set your heart into a spiral of depression, worthlessness and despair. Love can be the most disappointing facilitator of them all.

Today, remember this above all things. If Love were enough, today would not be happening. Somewhere on the road to eternal happiness, Love and bliss, Love became just another thing that was needed to make things work instead of the thing that drove everything else to work. Unfortunately, it also became the only thing needed that was truly identified...