Me first

I had an epiphany late last night while doing laundry. It occurred to me that I seem to be happier when I worry and care about myself instead of trying to do that for me and others at the same time. I think the root of the problem (issue) is honesty and trust. I rarely trust people, mainly because 90+% of the people I have trusted in my life have violated that trust; from ex-girlfriends to best friends to immediate family members. When I find myself not trusting someone because of something they did to violate my trust, it takes a long time and a lot of rebuilding for me to feel like I can trust them again (depending on what the violation was). But while doing laundry last night, I began to think about all the times in my life where I had that trust violated and how many times I forgave and moved on. The sad answer was, all of them. Then I thought, "how many times did that person do something else to violate that trust and/or did the relationship fail after the initial violation?" The answer was sickening; just about all of them. Family members continue to rebuild and receive that trust from me in some capacity, but others have lost it just about completely.

I decided last night that I wont trust anyone initially and make everyone earn that trust from the beginning. I'm also not going to be so naive about people. For example, I've had ex-girlfriends tell me, "you're the first person I've been with that I didn't cheat on" in multiple relationships. Well, those girlfriends either cheated on me or I discovered they planned to cheat on me. Yet somehow I was shocked and hurt, and my trust was shattered when I found out. That was me being naive and not learning from my past experiences and/or ignoring the obvious signs well before things happened. I've talked (literally out loud LOL) myself, on many occasions, into believing that the person wouldn't do what I sensed or felt and that I needed to let go of my trust issues and move on. I tend to make myself ignore flaws or tendencies that I've learned to be conscious of because I don't want to think that the "perfect person" for me has to actually be perfect, implying that somehow I am perfect; which I am absolutely not. Yet, I am almost always right! It's sad when you say, "I told you so" to yourself...But honestly, I'm an idiot. "The dumbest smart person" (I, Robot quote) many of you probably know. I freely admit it. I allow myself to remain in situations after my trust has been violated knowing that every bone in my body will completely change (immediately or over time) towards the person because of that violation. Disappointment, betrayal, anger, hurt, and countless other feelings and emotions slowly erode my feelings for the violator; not in terms of loving or caring for that person. But in terms of believing in the heart and spirit within the person; believing that the person can be trusted again. The person that I am and the life I have unfortunately (at times) lived through has made the impact of deceit, betrayal and manipulation immeasurable and my reaction to such things completely random. But my epiphany last night has me thinking that future reactions to such things should be definitive and completely self-preserving; especially in cases where the person who violated my trust knows my past and knows my issues with trusting people and yet still violates my trust anyway. In many ways, that person or persons show a lack of care and love for me; so what justification do I have for continuing to provide that for them? Oh I can come up with lots of reasons. I'm good at talking myself into doing things that are not in my best interest. That, ultimately, is the lesson learned; the summation of the epiphany. My best interests should always be put first; always. Otherwise, I am simply the guy everyone knows they can take advantage of because he is "too nice" to do what's right for himself.

People make mistakes everyday of their lives; I know I do. But to quote Omar Epps in Love & Basketball, "...some things should never [expletive] happen!". It's not going to be a one mistake and you're done thing. But it will be a "you violate my trust, you don't get it back" thing. I don't think asking for honesty and trust, by action, is too much to ask for...